it snows nine months of the year and hails the other three

Homecoming game last night.

A lot of fun, we won, of course (that's to be expected--we probably should be a 5A school, but there is no 5A category...so, that won't work. Instead, we kick everyone's asses for some realy boring games.). LCA, HLBF, Naru, Gimpy, and two of our friends spent most of it on the hill above the stadium, playing at the playground and watching the game every once in a while.

Of course, LCA, though, and I had a discussion about gothsocks, who has been acting strange recently--not like her usual self. As LCA put it, she's turned into a high school student, someone who honest-to-God thinks theire mature but because they do so, they aren't.

LCA and I aren't like that. We both know we have mature qualities, but more often than not, we act like 8-year-olds and we don't mind. gothsocks is suddenly all, "you suck, and I am so much more mature than you."

We don't get it.

But anyway, LCA has known gothsocks for a LOT longer than I have--10 years--and she told me that every time they had any sort of a falling out, LCA was always the one chasing after her. And she was tired of chasing.

Which is true. I keep talking to gothsocks--I've spilled my soul to her twice, and recently she's just brushed it all off.

She's become a lot more close-minded too.

But anyway, we were talking about it, and LCA finally just broke down and cried. I have NEVER seen LCA cry, and it was just bad. I kinda wanted to go over to gothsocks' house and beat her up. Because seriously, shes doing nothing but hurting her closest friends.

Oh, wait, she doesn't hang out with us anymore. Maybe we're not her closest friends. Because now she hangs out with this other girl and her boyfriend, and neither LCA nor I have gotten the chance to talk to her in a while.

On the other hand, LCA, HLBF, and I are going to homecoming. As a last-chance crossing-of-fingers, I asked gothsocks if she wanted to come over for pizza beforehand, thinking she would say no, but she said yes. Either this is a) a possible making-up? or b) it's going to be nasty, or, at least tense.

I'm a little bit nervous, mostly for LCA. Because right now, I'm on her side.

Why can't we all just stay friends forever?

People are so dumb.

nebulia out.

I think my mother is ashamed of me.

today I went to a graduation party for a girl I used to ice-skate with. Her mom was my coach, and I haven't seen them--not for bad reasons or anything, our paths just haven't crossed--in three or so years (when I did meet them, it was uneventful. Said hi, dropped off the card, caught up, went home. pretty simple).

But I talked to Maman beforehand.

Ma: You should put in your contacts (I wear my glasses most of the time these days, not my contacts). They probably won't recognize you.

Me: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Ma: You...don't look the same.

Me: I know. It's been three years.

Ma: Are your cuts covered up? (They're scars now, btw...just to let you know)

Me: ...

Ma: Because they weren't last night (I had a family birthday party last night), you know.

Me: ...

Ma: And anyway, they won't recognize you.

Me: I know.

Ma: You've gain--you've changed.

Me: I'm hanging up now.

First of all, I haven't gained a lot of weight (well, I have, but the truth is, I'm not a lot bigger, a lot of it is muscle and I've grown some, too). I mean, I wish I hadn't gained the weight I have, but it's not like I'm incredibly obese. Just fat.

Second of all. My cuts are scars. And does she expect me to wear long-sleeved shirts all summer? Even I won't do that, sorry. I'm so tired of her ranting about them all the time.

It's not that she doesn't approve that bothers me. Hell, I don't approve. What bothers me is her constant questioning, her consistent, "why? How? When? What are you going to do about them when this happens? Or this? What if you have a breakdown when we're away? Are you going to kill yourself?"

Look, if I were to kill myself, I would do it. I wouldn't cut. I would just go for it. Sorry, Maman.

Second...I'm taking it one day at a time right now. What I need is support. I need to know I'm still okay.

My friends, for some reason, get it. Even MBF, who I wasn't sure would. They understand. But Maman--and CoolTherapist sees this as well--for some reason, doesn't. And I can't help but feel she's ashamed of me. that I'm permanently screwed up.

I just want her to love me no matter what, and as I'm struggling through this, I'm feeling like she doesn't do that.

nebulia out.

I think I mentioned that I went for a bike ride on Saturday, for the first time in a few years. It was really, really nice. Last night I only had time for a quick ride around the block, but todsay I had a nice, hour-long ride on the Greenbelt. It's so pretty, and I listened to Jet (my newest discovery as far as good bands), and just had a really, really nice time.

I've kinda been responsible lately. I've done almost all my homework, I've been preparing my app to Colorado College for this summer, and I've been getting out more. I still love going online, but I'm not nearly as hooked up to it as I was, and it's been okay.

My birthday's in four days. I've been on LJ for only a little longer than that, and I'm glad I started using it. It helps me keep a regular journal, something I always felt I should do but never did. It's good, though. I like rambling, getting my feelings out.

I think I'll make biking a habit. So biking to school or around campus when I go to college or whatever can become something of a habit. Walking everywhere's a drag, but I'm trying not to be so lazy. Bike riding is just the thing. I actually like it a lot.

I am a little sore, though. I'm always a pretty hard rider, courtsey of my dad being a hardcore biker, and so I tend to push myself. Usually I'm not too out of breath, but getting back on the bike does make me a little sore. *sigh* I don't think it should take too long to get out of that, though.

So, that's that. Today I went to Borders with gothsocks and LCA. I love hanging out with them--it's so much fun. LCA, it turns out, is totally confused about the whole HLBF/gothsocks/LCA thing, so I filled her in. Because she needed to know. And apparently HLBF is ditching class. I was worried about LCA, but now I'm more worried about HLBF. It's getting confusing.

*sigh*

I'll have to play therapist, too. I don't mind helping picking up the pieces...but still...

nebulia out.

Tonoght at play practice I had a huge fight with a girl I've known since seventh grade. I've never really liked her, though most of the time I've been mildly friendly towards her, even though I think she's a self-righteous kind of girl and she dresses far too risque for her size--it's not that she's fat, but she's tall and has some meat on her and is really sort of pretty, but...she shouldn't be wearing skirts that short. So, more like she needs to stop deluding herself and wear a size bigger.

But I digress. My problem with her is not her fashion sense. It's the fact that she's a self-rightwous bitch. But she's friends with a lot of my friends, so I was always friendly with her anyway.

But tonight we had a huge fight--it's been building up, and I've always just kind of rolled my eyes when she would tell me to shut up in US history or whatever--getting angry over it takes to much energy and makes me the bad person (though sometimes I did interrupt her because I'm a little self-righteous too, sometimes, and I thought she didn't know what she was talking about--she's not the only one at fault)--and...thought the amount of emotion it took was huge and if one of my other friends hadn't been there I'd have backhanded her...so I was in tears after I left (Thank God I didn't cry in front of her).

But now...and even after I stopped crying, I feel really liberated. I don't have to be nice to her anymore, and I don't feel bad about not really forgiving her or anything. During our arguement, she cited being sick and on her period as a "Don't fuck with me" kind of thing, and I told her I didn't give a flying fuck because your period comes once a fucking month and no one else gets a break when they're sick, so deal with it (which is totally true--I'm never going to back down from that). But anyway, I don't feel bad about it, and she was avoiding me but I'm definitely not caring, and I'm serious. I don't care. I didn't skirt to the other side of the hall when I walked past her, I didn't leave the room just after I walked in because she was there, and apparently a lot of our mutual friends in drama were kind of expecting it, because they're okay with it. Even her best friend, who, oddly enough, I really trust, was cool with it, and understood my point of view.

So I feel happier than I have in a long time. Because, I think, now I don't have to pretend. And that's very, very good.

In other news, it wonderfully rained all day today and I'm exhausted because of 6-7 hour play practices each night, but whatev. It's almost over, and I like drama anyway.

nebulia out.

No one is happy right now.

There is LCA/HLBF drama, of which I still know nothing (DAMN YOU, HLBF! Why did you have to tell me about that? Did you honestly think that I wasn't going to worry, you dolt?). There is Bang!YouAreDead/LCA drama, and Naru is kind of mediating between the three of them.

And then B!YAD has been sad anyway...but she and CBLL and I went to Phantom last night and had tons of fun. But today the CWII teacher--who, don't get me wrong, I love her--was being bitchy about something trivial--she can be so tough sometimes--was harsh and B!YAD wasn't having a good day to begin with, and now I feel really bad.

I worry, you know.

And so my mood swings are in full gear and my nerves are on edge and I'm just on the border of anxiety attack, all shaky and crap, and the shakiness is only made worse by the fact that a) it is fucking cold in my room, and b) I went to bed at 11:30 last night and woke up at 4:30, no alarm clock.

I hate insomnia. Yeah, it wasn't as bad as it has been, but it still pisses me off.

So I'm worried and I'm tired and the only good thing is that tomorrow instead of CWII we get to Borders, and I think I'm taking B!YAD. And Twin might join us too, yay.

But that's, of course, if I only get through the night.

Damn. It is sooo cold in this room.

So. CBLL and B!YAD and I blasted J-pop all the way down to the Civic Center and back before and after the show, and then we also went to Starbucks after the show, and we added quite a bit to the quote book and laughed tons. So it was a blast.

But still. Monday just takes all the good out of you. Especially a Monday like this one, spent worrying about everyone. But then, no one seems to worry about themselves, so that's my job, right? 'Cause MBF and CT worry about me, and then I can spend more time worrying about everyone else.

CT will tell me that's faulty logic, but right now I don't care. I'm just fucking freaked out, and I'm not sure why.

I want everything to be the way it was this fall. Or last year, at the end of the year, when everyone was friends, nothing more, nothing less.

why do people fall in love?

quote of the post: "it's a good thing tears never show/ in the pouring rain/ like a good thing ever/ could make up for the pain" --robyn

nebulia out.

AP Euro is amazing. Amazing. I have a 190% right now because I handed in info on the Napoleonic Code that The God of History Teachers copied for the class. And I've been taking notes. Last semester, when I had the other AP teacher--who is nice and funny and lazy--I didn't really do anything, but this semester I want to do well. After all, my teacher--who I had for Western Civ last year as well--is God. Literally, he's amazing.

In other news, I am very very tired. Sleep has been not great recently--I sleep in the fetal position, and my knee is...well, it forbids me from doing that. Hence, getting to sleep is hard. I haven't been sleeping well, either, after I fall asleep, and I had a breakdown Wednesday when Maman and Dad got home. I cried for a good half hour or so and Maman pretended I was a two-year-old and literally wiped away my tears (and let me soak her shirt with snot). I didn't mind, really. Maman and I have been really getting along well since school began. We fight a lot less. So I've jsut been really tired. I'm going to bed soon (gah, I know it's only 7:30).

So. Districts tomorrow. Wish me break a leg!

nebulia out.

Just saw The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.

Oh my goodness. It was so funny!

I really can't say much more than that...but seriously, I highly recommend it. Great humor, incredible characters (I loooooved Leaf), some really awesome audience participation, it didn't take itself seriously (I love that about a comedy--when they do it's sooooo boring), I laughed out loud almost the whole time, until my stomach hurt.

Excellent. If you can, go see it.

Was thinking today about the afterlife. I believe in one because I'm a Christian, but why does almost every religion believe in some form of afterlife or final resting place or nirvana? The reason, psychologically, that we prepare bodies for burial--that we bury them at all--is because they're going somewhere else. Subconsciously, most people think that.

"He's in a better place." "We lost him." ...et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. They all imply that the dead person has gone somewhere else, somewhere we obviously can't go. It may not be something we profess to believe in, but world culture--human culture--seems to as a theme.

Why? Is it because our lives are so pointless, once you think about it? Is it because we want to know there's more out there than just this earth? All of a sudden I am fascinated by this topic, by this idea. Is this belief because subconsciously our minds realize we are so small and insignificant that we really are not much more than worthless in the scheme of things (think about it: if we condensed the world into one 24 hour day, humans would appear at 23:59:59, about halfway through that last second) and we can't stand it?

Why?

Just something to think about.

nebulia out.

Wow. Just got back from our matinee and night show. It went really well, but I'm exhausted. I was at school from 11:30 to 10:30. AHHH!

Samurai 7 volume 5 was fabulous, but WHY OH WHY DID IT HAVE TO END THERE? I mean, whiat is with ending episodes (particulalry volumes and seasons) on CLIFFHANGERS!? ARGH!!!!!

Sheesh. Just as Kambei's about to get his head cut off (but you know he won't; he's got something planned) and I'm thinking, "Oh, Katsu, for once, please don't show up and save the day JUST yet; wait two minutes, please!" It ends. Jeez.

Any Anneliese smells like bad tootsie rolls, which bothers me. I hope it goes away; it's been smelling bad in the drama area because of the play and none of us notice until we're somewhere else. *Sigh*

Started a samurai 7 fanfic...am catching up in NaNoWriMoness but I'm not going to worry about being not-too-severely behind until Thanksgiving. If I churn out at least 1000 words a day until then, I'll be happy.

nebulia out.

Has anyone out there who might be reading this ever had to turn down someone?

Tonight, Mustang informed me--in a note--that he had a "crush" (his word) on me.

Mustang's cool, a sophomore, funny, wears neat square glasses, is definitely what could be termed fat but is not unattractive--just there, tends to overreact to some things, but I do like him--he's a good friend. But that's all.

I talked to Chibi about it, told her I didn't like him like that and I had no idea what to say to him. I mean, this is the first tiem a guy has actually said he likes me. All of my friends ask me for guy advice, but the truth is, I'm totally clueless. I mean, the last boyfriend I had was first grade, and they ask me for advice? Well, suddenly I'm asking them, and the truth is, it kinda feels good to not be the one everyon turns to for facts and advice. Chibi said to tell him what I told her, and then asked me, "So you like anyone else?"

No. I am sadly celibate even in my own mind. I told her so, and that I wasn't really looking for a relationship right now--the truth is, I don't know if I'm ready for it. I mean, I'm fairly mature (when I want to be), but not in that sense. She said just to tell him that, but...when he asked me...I just told him--like I told him when he first approached me--that I still needed time to think.

But I don't want to leave him hanging; I mean, it's not like it takes that long to decide whether or not you like a guy. So I have to tell him tomorrow.

I definitely don't want to be in possible romantic relationship with him, and definitely not right now. But I don't want to tell him no; I can't imagine him overreacting about that (because usually it's more of a guilt complex thing) but still. No one likes being rejected, and I still like him. I don't want him to be uncomfotable around me.

Tomorrow I talk to Godbrother for a guy's (though just as inexperienced as I am) point of view. And maybe Bert, too. And definitely MBF and HLBF.

I have to say, though, it feels kind of good. I mean, knowing I'm liked. Even though I don't like him back, it's a bit of a confidence booster.

It's just...for the first time in a very, very long time, I have absolutely no clue at all what to do.

nebulia out.

Techically, play practice was from 4:30 to 9:30, but I got there early to help Maman set up dinner. and then people were bad tonight. 3:45-10. School from 7:20-3:30.

Need I say more?

It's getting colder, though, and it was windy tonight and the sky was so clear, it was gorgeous. I love fall.

nebulia out.