it snows nine months of the year and hails the other three

I think my mother is ashamed of me.

today I went to a graduation party for a girl I used to ice-skate with. Her mom was my coach, and I haven't seen them--not for bad reasons or anything, our paths just haven't crossed--in three or so years (when I did meet them, it was uneventful. Said hi, dropped off the card, caught up, went home. pretty simple).

But I talked to Maman beforehand.

Ma: You should put in your contacts (I wear my glasses most of the time these days, not my contacts). They probably won't recognize you.

Me: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Ma: You...don't look the same.

Me: I know. It's been three years.

Ma: Are your cuts covered up? (They're scars now, btw...just to let you know)

Me: ...

Ma: Because they weren't last night (I had a family birthday party last night), you know.

Me: ...

Ma: And anyway, they won't recognize you.

Me: I know.

Ma: You've gain--you've changed.

Me: I'm hanging up now.

First of all, I haven't gained a lot of weight (well, I have, but the truth is, I'm not a lot bigger, a lot of it is muscle and I've grown some, too). I mean, I wish I hadn't gained the weight I have, but it's not like I'm incredibly obese. Just fat.

Second of all. My cuts are scars. And does she expect me to wear long-sleeved shirts all summer? Even I won't do that, sorry. I'm so tired of her ranting about them all the time.

It's not that she doesn't approve that bothers me. Hell, I don't approve. What bothers me is her constant questioning, her consistent, "why? How? When? What are you going to do about them when this happens? Or this? What if you have a breakdown when we're away? Are you going to kill yourself?"

Look, if I were to kill myself, I would do it. I wouldn't cut. I would just go for it. Sorry, Maman.

Second...I'm taking it one day at a time right now. What I need is support. I need to know I'm still okay.

My friends, for some reason, get it. Even MBF, who I wasn't sure would. They understand. But Maman--and CoolTherapist sees this as well--for some reason, doesn't. And I can't help but feel she's ashamed of me. that I'm permanently screwed up.

I just want her to love me no matter what, and as I'm struggling through this, I'm feeling like she doesn't do that.

nebulia out.

So finals overcame me last night and I didn't get a chance to post.

Ran into HorseLoverBestFriend yesterday during second hour. We chatted, and then she said:

HLBF: I'm kinda scared.
Me: What?
HLBF: I'm gonna be killed.
Me: What'd you do this time?
HLBF: Don't kill me?
Me: I'm not going to kill you, dolt! What'd you say to MBF now? (HLBF is a lesbian and, like everyone who's not MBF, has a slightly dirty mind. MBF slaps her (And me) often.)
HLBF: It's not just MBF. It's LostCursedAngel too. And it's not what I said, it's what I fell.
Me: Oh no.
HLBF: I told LCA I liked her.
Me: *saw this one coming* Do you?
HLBF: Yeah. And I don't know what I'll tell MBF.
Me: MBF is gonna love you no matter what. Remember? She didn't freak when you came out; she's not gonna freak when you tell her that.
HLBF: But LCA is so close to all of us--what if it doesn't work out?
Me: We'll make it work. I promise. (The truth? I have no idea what'll happen. But reassuring is what she needs, and anyway, I'll do anything I can to keep us all friends.) What'd LCA say?
HLBF: I kinda wrote her a note. Naru told me to do it. She said it'd be fine.

And that was pretty much the end of it. Saw LCA and HLBF at lunch today--LCA was braiding HLBF's hair.

Me: *raise of eyebrows that indicates yesterday's conversation* Everything okay?
HLBF: *shrug*

But our vibe wasn't off. I'll talk to HLBF alone later; see what's up. It think it'll all work out. I hope it'll all work out, because I love everyone. But the person HLBF should be least worried about is MBF. Even if MBF doesn't agree with HLBF's sexual orientation, she still loves her, and I know this for a fact. She's said so. Or, "Look, if I haven't abandoned her in the eight years I've known her--and you know her!--I'm not gonna leave her now."

MBF always says the right thing. Well...almost always.

So. I hope it'll work out. That's the gossip around here!

MBF has satellite and DVR, so she's recording House for me. I love MBF.

nebulia out.

Was at the house i babysat at two weeks ago, with the 7-year-old boy and the 3-year-old girl tonight.

A convict escaped from prison today and there's been a manhunt going on--two schools were locked down, helicopters, swat teams, 4-foot-shotguns, the ritz. anyway, I was explaining to the little girl why we couldn't go outside and made sure to clarify that the 'bad guy' couldn't get inside because all the doors and windows were locked (at least, that's the theory of locking doors, but as we all know, it doesn't always work out that way. Shoot me for lying to a 3-year-old).

And then:

Little Girl: Can the bad guy break down the house?
Me: No.
LG: Can the bad guy break down the windows?
M: No.
LG: Can the bad guy break down the doors?
M: No.
LG: Can a bad guy break down the fridge?
M: No--the fridge?!

Yeah.

It was followed by the three of us giggling, one of the few bonding moments we had. The little boy was being rather clingy all night, and called his parents a few times. Then he fell asleep on the couch. Then I fell asleep on the couch. Then the parents came home and apologized profusely because the boy was being "clingy" and "demanding" when I'd probably been too lenient in letting him call in the first place (the first time I let him call; the rest of the time he did it himself).

But it was a good night, they really are good kids, especially that little girl--what a sweetheart!--and boy's okay, too, other than the calling Mom thing.

and I got 40 bucks out of it. w00t.

anneliese still down. *sobs*

nebulia out.

It's still raining! Yay! YAYAYAYAYAY!

Work today was interesting. Busy. They played snooth jazz today, which was really nice, and it wasn't too bad. I didn't make a fool of myself, to say the least.

Fun conversation of the day:

Lady: (summoning me as I finish a run) Um, the Powerade in the fountain isn't working.
Me: Oh. How so?
Lady: It's just like water.
Me: Oh, okay. I'm sorry, I'll let my manager know.
(goes over to end, summons GeneralManager)
Me: Apparently, the PowerAde isn't working.
GM: Isn't working?!
Me: Uh, yeah.
GM: What, is it not giving people energy?
Me: Uh, no, it's--hey!
GM: *laughs*

So GM, as always, made me laugh. And is a freak. But he's cool. I couldn't ask for a better GM.

Afterwards, there was HYC and a concert. The concert went as well as could be expected, I suppose, for just one retreat and one rehearsal. Then I went home, and then I go to go to dinner with Dad.

That was the best part of the evening, really. Dad and I don't get much time together, esp. now with school. It was a lot of fun, we talked about swimming and school and drama and didn't argue once.

The bad part of the night was that I slammed my left ring finger in the car door. And it's nasty, nasty enough that Maman and Dad think I'll lose my fingernail.

Dad lost the same fingernail about 25 years ago (ooh! family curse!); around the time Maman and he got married. He used to joke that when Maman put the ring on his finger, his fingernail fell off. Which is simply hysterical, knowing my parents.

But it throbs and aches. But I got this cool blue band-aid.

It also bled up the wazoo, or, like, Dad said, "like a stuck pig." Seriously. It was dripping down my finger and all that.

Anyway, so now I'm off to do homework. Later.

Yay! It's still raining! 24+ hours straight!

quote of the post: "a woman's beauty is a treasure beyone price." --balzac and the little chinese seamstress, by dai sijie (excellent book, I recommend it)

nebulia out.

I don't even like baked potatoes. What the hell?

quote (conversation) of the post:

Boy A: The vocative case can also be used for things.
Boy B: Oh? Like, "Shut up, tree!" --Latin class

nebulia out.

Work was okay today. both CoolManager and OtherManager decided that I was the be the Blame of All Things Wrong at The Deli, as I am so 'angry' and 'verbal (not).' CM and I also had one of the weirdest conversations I've had at work yet:

So, we had two orders finish up at once, both ones that needed running. And CM said: Okay, you do this run and I'll take the next.

Me: *get silverware* Okay.

PEBuddy's Older sister (who was working the register and very, very bored): I'll take it.

Me: *hands her tray* Okay. *turns to CM*

CM: Wow, you sure are fast! Super speed! Vroosh! (Note: this is why CoolManager is so cool. He says "Vroosh!" aloud.)

Me: *small smile* Yep, you know me, I have godlike speed.

CM: Godlike speed? Nice.

Me *thinking*: Kenshin has godlike speed! Ha! and CM doesn't know who the hell Kenshin is or where that reference is from! Ha! But then he doesn't get it...oh, well. I won't tell him.

Me *aloud*: Of course it is. That's why I have it.

CM: True. Why have human speed when you can be godlike?

Me: Precisely.

So. I made a Kenshin crack. And no one got it except me. But CM still thought the comment was funny, so I guess it was okay. And it made me laugh, so there.

quote of the post: "mayonnaise." --sanzo, saiyuki, volume 9

nebulia out.

My father is a bastard.

Today he said, while we were shopping for furniture and Dad and I (who are similar and both have very sharp tempers) clashed, and then Maman said, "Be nice," Dad said, "She doesn't have the capability to be nice."

Maman: "We've had a perfectly wonderful few days (work has been really busy for Dad so we haven't seen him much)."
Dad: "You've been doing what she wants to do. Of course she's nice."
Me: ...*holds back tears*

It's not the first time Dad's said such callous things about me, while in my presence, to my mother. It probably won't be the last. But each time, it just hurts more. It's just...I don't really care if someone tells me something like that, unless it's someone I care for, a friend, or someone who I respect and love, like my father.

I mean, he's my father. We used to be really, really close and now things have changed, and in general, he's a lot more harsh. I used to hate it when Maman and Dad got romantic, but I don't think they've even kissed since Maman left for Michigan, three and a half weeks ago, and that was on the cheek, and that bothers me because they used to be very romantic. It's just...Dad's a bit controlling and Maman's really the one working to keep Dad here and not walking out. It'd be nice to know they still cared for each other, that people actually do care for each other even after spending 25 years together. I want one of those loving relationships...but sometimes I wonder if they exist.

But my father...he...I dunno. He's just...not like he used to be, and I miss him. We used to have a very lighthearted family dynamic. Even our fights were short, and we always teased each other and stuff, but now...we were in the car tonight, and it was just awkward silence. Even though we were listening to the oldies.

Maman and I get along better than ever right now, so it's not her. It's Dad, and that bothers me. I miss my father. Where did he go?

That sucks.

And this has got to be the most depressing post ever. Shucks.

I need to lighten up.

quote of the post: "well, i thought about the army/ dad said, "son, you're fucking high" --ben folds five, "army"

nebulia out.