Disillusionment...a glass of ice water dumped on you on a freezing winter morning.

I think my mother is ashamed of me.

today I went to a graduation party for a girl I used to ice-skate with. Her mom was my coach, and I haven't seen them--not for bad reasons or anything, our paths just haven't crossed--in three or so years (when I did meet them, it was uneventful. Said hi, dropped off the card, caught up, went home. pretty simple).

But I talked to Maman beforehand.

Ma: You should put in your contacts (I wear my glasses most of the time these days, not my contacts). They probably won't recognize you.

Me: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Ma: You...don't look the same.

Me: I know. It's been three years.

Ma: Are your cuts covered up? (They're scars now, btw...just to let you know)

Me: ...

Ma: Because they weren't last night (I had a family birthday party last night), you know.

Me: ...

Ma: And anyway, they won't recognize you.

Me: I know.

Ma: You've gain--you've changed.

Me: I'm hanging up now.

First of all, I haven't gained a lot of weight (well, I have, but the truth is, I'm not a lot bigger, a lot of it is muscle and I've grown some, too). I mean, I wish I hadn't gained the weight I have, but it's not like I'm incredibly obese. Just fat.

Second of all. My cuts are scars. And does she expect me to wear long-sleeved shirts all summer? Even I won't do that, sorry. I'm so tired of her ranting about them all the time.

It's not that she doesn't approve that bothers me. Hell, I don't approve. What bothers me is her constant questioning, her consistent, "why? How? When? What are you going to do about them when this happens? Or this? What if you have a breakdown when we're away? Are you going to kill yourself?"

Look, if I were to kill myself, I would do it. I wouldn't cut. I would just go for it. Sorry, Maman.

Second...I'm taking it one day at a time right now. What I need is support. I need to know I'm still okay.

My friends, for some reason, get it. Even MBF, who I wasn't sure would. They understand. But Maman--and CoolTherapist sees this as well--for some reason, doesn't. And I can't help but feel she's ashamed of me. that I'm permanently screwed up.

I just want her to love me no matter what, and as I'm struggling through this, I'm feeling like she doesn't do that.

nebulia out.