nebulia: a nebula (Default)
So it's not like I miss home so hard it hurts. But I will be really happy to get home and see everyone again. Like...I really, really REALLY miss my friends, and my dogs, and just the normal comforts of home. I love it here, I really do, but I am homesick. Very much so.

Of course, I'm only home for about eight days until I go skiing and then I'm back here for 2 more months. But two months isn't four, and I get a little bit of time to recuperate. I just. Wow. I just miss home a lot.

It's to be expected, I think, considering I've never been away from home this long. It's just, I haven't really been feeling the desire to be home until now.

nebulia: a nebula (Default)
Have I mentioned how much I love my roommate? A lot. A LOT a lot.

We'll never be best friends--at least, not as I'm seeing it right now--but we might keep in touch for a few years or something. But she's way cool. At first I thought she looked down on my 'cause I was younger and SUCH a dork, and not just nerd, and she does look down on me because I'm younger. But not in a condescending way, I mean, I AM younger, and I haven't experienced college yet, and she's cool with that. It's not condescending at all.

And she's so smart and even though we differ in some opinions, we think in very much the same ways, and we're amused by the same things, and we both like Bones, and she's fun to hang out she's cool. I really like her, though at first I didn't so much.

Also, we both desperately miss the people at home, which is just kind of...nice, to commiserate with her on that. And we both don't think in overly girly ways--like, yeah, I fangirl over everything, but when it comes to actual real life, all that girly drama crap just isn't my style. XD So we commiserate over all the girly drama that goes on in this place. Honestly, it's cliquey like stereotypical high school stories are cliquey. XDDDD

Today at lunch I just had the most sudden, base, deep desire to be home. To be in my own room on my own bed with my own weather and my own dogs and everything. It was odd; yes, I'll be happy to go home, but I'm so happy I'm here. But I'm not going to be homesick, because I can't take a chance like this for granted, I really can't. It was just odd.


May. 6th, 2007 06:55 pm
nebulia: a nebula (such great heights)
so today I went to my cousin's confimation at my old church.

Now, before I say anything else, I went to my old church for ten years. When we started going there, there were about 25 people in the whole church. It grew some, and when I started kindergarten sunday school, there were five people in my class. I was confirmed with 131 other suburbian eighth-graders, and now, three years later, my cousin was in a class of nearly two hundred and the congregation is pushing 10,000 members.

Anyway, because we started when the church was so small, we got to know the pastors really well. Granted, I haven't seen any of the official pastors in years, but I ran into one right away and he didn't recognize me. I wasn't particularly disappointed, as I don't look like I did three years ago, and he does have 10,000 people to take care of, and I'm not one of them, but I was surprised, a little. We were in a small group with him. He called me by name every time he saw me from when I was four to when I was fourteen. It just felt odd, you know?

And then I got into the church, and the sanctuary was packed, and I was right next to this pretty little courtyard that I couldn't go into because I had to be there and I jsut couldn't stand it. I got claustrophobic and had a panic attack right there. I can't be comfortable in that church--it was that way for the last year or so I was there, and that hasn't changed at all. I'm just depressed at how everything's changing--that church really was a place of sanctuary for me for a long time, and I miss it when it was small. Now, I'm glad I'm at my other church, though--it's the perfect size and all, but still. I'm pretty flexible with myself, but when it comes to things around me--physical, material things--change is hard for me. I don't like it a lot, even if it's for the better.

It was strange, though.

nebulia out.


Jan. 9th, 2007 02:17 pm
nebulia: a nebula (the scared guy)
So finals overcame me last night and I didn't get a chance to post.

Ran into HorseLoverBestFriend yesterday during second hour. We chatted, and then she said:

HLBF: I'm kinda scared.
Me: What?
HLBF: I'm gonna be killed.
Me: What'd you do this time?
HLBF: Don't kill me?
Me: I'm not going to kill you, dolt! What'd you say to MBF now? (HLBF is a lesbian and, like everyone who's not MBF, has a slightly dirty mind. MBF slaps her (And me) often.)
HLBF: It's not just MBF. It's LostCursedAngel too. And it's not what I said, it's what I fell.
Me: Oh no.
HLBF: I told LCA I liked her.
Me: *saw this one coming* Do you?
HLBF: Yeah. And I don't know what I'll tell MBF.
Me: MBF is gonna love you no matter what. Remember? She didn't freak when you came out; she's not gonna freak when you tell her that.
HLBF: But LCA is so close to all of us--what if it doesn't work out?
Me: We'll make it work. I promise. (The truth? I have no idea what'll happen. But reassuring is what she needs, and anyway, I'll do anything I can to keep us all friends.) What'd LCA say?
HLBF: I kinda wrote her a note. Naru told me to do it. She said it'd be fine.

And that was pretty much the end of it. Saw LCA and HLBF at lunch today--LCA was braiding HLBF's hair.

Me: *raise of eyebrows that indicates yesterday's conversation* Everything okay?
HLBF: *shrug*

But our vibe wasn't off. I'll talk to HLBF alone later; see what's up. It think it'll all work out. I hope it'll all work out, because I love everyone. But the person HLBF should be least worried about is MBF. Even if MBF doesn't agree with HLBF's sexual orientation, she still loves her, and I know this for a fact. She's said so. Or, "Look, if I haven't abandoned her in the eight years I've known her--and you know her!--I'm not gonna leave her now."

MBF always says the right thing. Well...almost always.

So. I hope it'll work out. That's the gossip around here!

MBF has satellite and DVR, so she's recording House for me. I love MBF.

nebulia out.

The Clique

Dec. 11th, 2006 09:09 pm
nebulia: a nebula (such great heights)
I was thinking about why my school doesn't seem to have cliques. I mean, it's such a huge establishment in high school pop culture, and so on, and so forth, et cetera et cetera, et cetera.

And so I was thinking about this, and how my school didn't seem to have any. Is my school just rare? Am I not seeing something here? I'm a cynical idealist to a fault, so I could totally be skipping over something I didn't want to see. And then, as I was walking to class, I realized how small-minded I had been. I had just been thinking about my experiences, no one else's, and that was definitely me lost in my little bubble. As Agnes says, I am an island. One of those little undiscovered volacnic ones 1000 miles away from anything else in the Pacific.

Because there are cliques at my school. I just belong to several of them. Or, more accurately, I edge several of them.

There's me, MBF, and HLBF. Like many groups of best friends, we are a tiny clique unto ourselves. Then I am pretty fully involved in the Anime!Gaming!Et cetera!clique, though I'm not knee-deep (I am knee-deep in manga, just not in the clique). I skirt the drama clique fairly closely; I'm a thespian, I do every play, I participate in the bake sales, IHSSA, and the drama trip, but I'm still not in the inner circle. I circle the choir clique but don't event ry to belong; I love to sing but the choir people piss me off. I know a lot of the people in the music-lover's clique but I'm not in that, either, because I'm no longer actively participating in band or orchestra (never mind that my flute is played at least once or twice a week, if not every night); I totally skip past the Popular!Smart people clique and the Sort of Popular! Smart people clique and join the very loose Nerdy!Smart people clique, which is the least organized, as Smart people always seem to be in other cliques, too.

So I really don't belong in any particular clique. Except MBF's, HLBF's, and mine. And the truth is, I realized as I was walking to class, I don't mind. I know a lot of people. Some of them I don't like, some of them I do, some of them I don't really give a shit either way about...and it's good. Because there are definitely other times for me to belong, and other places for me to belong. And I've been a little bit of a loner; I like books too much and when I get nervous--most of the time--I babble and say stupid shit. So I don't mind. If it's a hole I'm in, I dug it myself and then jumped in, but at least it's got good books and a laptop.

speaking of good books, I highly recommend the one I'm reading now: The Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. A great Gothic book mystery, rather like Arturo Perez-Reverte's The Club Dumas, another one I highly recommend, especially if you like to read.

quote of the post: "and the day came when the risk it took to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." --i'm not sure, but i sure love this quote.

nebulia out.
nebulia: (girl from cirque du soleil's O)
This morning, five years ago, I was doing my spelling homework at the last minute because I hadn't done it the night before.

Maman's--this was the year I had her for science--assistant came in and said, "Turn on the TV. They said a bomb just hit the Pentagon."

At that point, neither of us knew about the Twin Towers. But when we turned on the TV, we sure found out. I got home from school that night and watched Building 7 collaspe.

I didn't cry. But I was terrified. Because of this:

There was this book--a series of books, actually--the first called The Kid Who Ran for President and the second The Kid who Became President. In the second, h plays a video game to stop a world war (please don't ask), and, in attempting to defend his big cities--NY, D.C. LA, etc.--my hometown got "hit." In the video game.

I was twelve. This thought--of everyone forgetting about Iowa--hit me hard. And I had nightmares about dying for weeks. And then to make things worse, Auntie had moved from NY--she had lived in an apartment not 10 blocks from the WTC--less than a year before, and that was because she had luckily been able to seperate from her husband before the divorce was finalized. Had she been unable to move, she would have been at home, sleeping, when the towers collapsed--she didn't work at the time.

I was never directly connected to the attacks. I was nowhere near New York. But the sheer terror of the attack, followed by Granny's battle with cancer and subsequent death, haunted me. Suddenly I was not only surrounded by death, I was immersed in it. It not only darkened my nation, but then, just as I was adjusting to the changes, I found out that my best friend had liver cancer. It was this combination of the whole country hurting and my own struggle that has me terrified; not of death, but of abandonment, and abandoning. Those people were not just a statistic--though a part of me thinks of them like that, unfortunately--they were people. Lovers, parents, children, friends, siblings. They loved, they hated, they were jealous and happy and courageous and cowardly. That thousands of people felt like I did--and not because nature took them away, like it took Granny, but because people hated enough to kill them--that fact, stark, gray, clear, it haunts me.

and I can't stop thinking about it.

in other news, play practice started tonight. I have the role of Sherry Aanensen (I haven't gotten my script back yet so I can't spell her name). Yay! It was a part I really liked and a monologue I considered auditioning with.

quote of the post: "i don't want this:
Actors: Actors!
Techies: Techies!
A: Actors!
T: Techies!
A: Actors!
Stage Managers: Stage Managers!
A: Actors!
do you see my point?" --TheWayCoolDramaTeacher!

nebulia out.

March 2012

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