nebulia: a nebula (sod off)
I think my mother is ashamed of me.

today I went to a graduation party for a girl I used to ice-skate with. Her mom was my coach, and I haven't seen them--not for bad reasons or anything, our paths just haven't crossed--in three or so years (when I did meet them, it was uneventful. Said hi, dropped off the card, caught up, went home. pretty simple).

But I talked to Maman beforehand.

Ma: You should put in your contacts (I wear my glasses most of the time these days, not my contacts). They probably won't recognize you.

Me: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Ma: You...don't look the same.

Me: I know. It's been three years.

Ma: Are your cuts covered up? (They're scars now, btw...just to let you know)

Me: ...

Ma: Because they weren't last night (I had a family birthday party last night), you know.

Me: ...

Ma: And anyway, they won't recognize you.

Me: I know.

Ma: You've gain--you've changed.

Me: I'm hanging up now.

First of all, I haven't gained a lot of weight (well, I have, but the truth is, I'm not a lot bigger, a lot of it is muscle and I've grown some, too). I mean, I wish I hadn't gained the weight I have, but it's not like I'm incredibly obese. Just fat.

Second of all. My cuts are scars. And does she expect me to wear long-sleeved shirts all summer? Even I won't do that, sorry. I'm so tired of her ranting about them all the time.

It's not that she doesn't approve that bothers me. Hell, I don't approve. What bothers me is her constant questioning, her consistent, "why? How? When? What are you going to do about them when this happens? Or this? What if you have a breakdown when we're away? Are you going to kill yourself?"

Look, if I were to kill myself, I would do it. I wouldn't cut. I would just go for it. Sorry, Maman.

Second...I'm taking it one day at a time right now. What I need is support. I need to know I'm still okay.

My friends, for some reason, get it. Even MBF, who I wasn't sure would. They understand. But Maman--and CoolTherapist sees this as well--for some reason, doesn't. And I can't help but feel she's ashamed of me. that I'm permanently screwed up.

I just want her to love me no matter what, and as I'm struggling through this, I'm feeling like she doesn't do that.

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (eyes)
This morning I watched the first two episodes of Busou Renkin.

I liked them, actually; they don't compare to the manga, but they were still great. The soundtrack was fabulous--I love the dreary piano music and the happy sax music and the fun action music. The opening theme is great, too.

And I love the manga a lot. It's not really comparable to RK, but it's still a lot of fun. I love Watsuki's comedy. ^_^

Now I'm watching Tuesday's House--MBF recorded it for me. Yay MBF!

Talked to HLBF today.

Me: What'd LCA say?
HLBF: I'm not allowed to say.
Me: 0.o Why--
HLBF: Really. I'm not allowed to say.
Me: Okay. I'm here for you, all right?

I'm not going to pry. But if everything was okay, then I can't imagine her not being able to talk about it. But she didn't seem too depressed. So I'm not quite sure what was said or what's going on. I'm not about to push it. But I am going to worry. I just want everything to be all right between everyone.

So...that's that.

AP Euro final went fine--a lot better than I thought it would. Yay!

nebulia out.


Jan. 9th, 2007 02:17 pm
nebulia: a nebula (the scared guy)
So finals overcame me last night and I didn't get a chance to post.

Ran into HorseLoverBestFriend yesterday during second hour. We chatted, and then she said:

HLBF: I'm kinda scared.
Me: What?
HLBF: I'm gonna be killed.
Me: What'd you do this time?
HLBF: Don't kill me?
Me: I'm not going to kill you, dolt! What'd you say to MBF now? (HLBF is a lesbian and, like everyone who's not MBF, has a slightly dirty mind. MBF slaps her (And me) often.)
HLBF: It's not just MBF. It's LostCursedAngel too. And it's not what I said, it's what I fell.
Me: Oh no.
HLBF: I told LCA I liked her.
Me: *saw this one coming* Do you?
HLBF: Yeah. And I don't know what I'll tell MBF.
Me: MBF is gonna love you no matter what. Remember? She didn't freak when you came out; she's not gonna freak when you tell her that.
HLBF: But LCA is so close to all of us--what if it doesn't work out?
Me: We'll make it work. I promise. (The truth? I have no idea what'll happen. But reassuring is what she needs, and anyway, I'll do anything I can to keep us all friends.) What'd LCA say?
HLBF: I kinda wrote her a note. Naru told me to do it. She said it'd be fine.

And that was pretty much the end of it. Saw LCA and HLBF at lunch today--LCA was braiding HLBF's hair.

Me: *raise of eyebrows that indicates yesterday's conversation* Everything okay?
HLBF: *shrug*

But our vibe wasn't off. I'll talk to HLBF alone later; see what's up. It think it'll all work out. I hope it'll all work out, because I love everyone. But the person HLBF should be least worried about is MBF. Even if MBF doesn't agree with HLBF's sexual orientation, she still loves her, and I know this for a fact. She's said so. Or, "Look, if I haven't abandoned her in the eight years I've known her--and you know her!--I'm not gonna leave her now."

MBF always says the right thing. Well...almost always.

So. I hope it'll work out. That's the gossip around here!

MBF has satellite and DVR, so she's recording House for me. I love MBF.

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (such great heights)
Here it is!


I also reread Five Things that Never happened to Kamiya Kaoru and decided that it needs editing. Even in the few short months since posting that, my writing style has matured--I have matured--and some of it Happy endings are still appealing, but I also like the bittersweet, open ones. Sad endings are just sad.

I am fairly happy with Conversations at this moment, and it's pretty much all canon mangaverse, so it's not like I can go wrong with the plot there. Maybe I'll read it again in a few months, and I'll be like, 'whoa. this sucks.' And maybe I'll still like it. Who knows?

and my LJ posting thing is a bit different. I don't mind it; it's just odd. disorienting.


Worked tonight. Had two very kooky different groups, but one couple:

Lady: I want the potato with the chicken chili on it...

Me: Fiesta?

Man (At the same time as me): Fiesta?

Lady: YES! That's the one I want! With sour cream! and extra sour cream on the side! Lots of sour cream! I looooove sour cream!

Man: And I'll have the lite potato. Without sour cream. *chuckles*

Lady: No, you want the sour cream *emphasized* on the siiiiiide.

Man: huh--oooooh. On the siiiiiide. Yes, on the siiiiiide.

That woman was obsessed with sour cream. She even came up later for more.

and the other group was just funny, because they were talking about ultrasounds and how they could be wrong or right.

Man 1: Well, you know, Adam was supposed to be a girl...

Woman 1: That was 20 years ago, dear. I'm sure technology is better nowadays.

Woman 2: And so-and-so's kid is supposed to be a boy.

Man 2: Can't imagine 'em gettin' that one wrong.

Woman 1: No, sirree.

*all laugh*


quote of the post: see above.

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (boring)
Was at the house i babysat at two weeks ago, with the 7-year-old boy and the 3-year-old girl tonight.

A convict escaped from prison today and there's been a manhunt going on--two schools were locked down, helicopters, swat teams, 4-foot-shotguns, the ritz. anyway, I was explaining to the little girl why we couldn't go outside and made sure to clarify that the 'bad guy' couldn't get inside because all the doors and windows were locked (at least, that's the theory of locking doors, but as we all know, it doesn't always work out that way. Shoot me for lying to a 3-year-old).

And then:

Little Girl: Can the bad guy break down the house?
Me: No.
LG: Can the bad guy break down the windows?
M: No.
LG: Can the bad guy break down the doors?
M: No.
LG: Can a bad guy break down the fridge?
M: No--the fridge?!


It was followed by the three of us giggling, one of the few bonding moments we had. The little boy was being rather clingy all night, and called his parents a few times. Then he fell asleep on the couch. Then I fell asleep on the couch. Then the parents came home and apologized profusely because the boy was being "clingy" and "demanding" when I'd probably been too lenient in letting him call in the first place (the first time I let him call; the rest of the time he did it himself).

But it was a good night, they really are good kids, especially that little girl--what a sweetheart!--and boy's okay, too, other than the calling Mom thing.

and I got 40 bucks out of it. w00t.

anneliese still down. *sobs*

nebulia out.


Sep. 20th, 2006 10:49 pm
nebulia: a nebula (Default)
dad just got home from a business trip. his birthday was on monday.

me: dad?
dad: yeah?
m: you called on monday and i forgot to wish you happy birthday and i felt really bad. so happy birthday. i'm sorry!
d: 'sokay. it's just another day.

nebulia: a nebula (yosh)
It's still raining! Yay! YAYAYAYAYAY!

Work today was interesting. Busy. They played snooth jazz today, which was really nice, and it wasn't too bad. I didn't make a fool of myself, to say the least.

Fun conversation of the day:

Lady: (summoning me as I finish a run) Um, the Powerade in the fountain isn't working.
Me: Oh. How so?
Lady: It's just like water.
Me: Oh, okay. I'm sorry, I'll let my manager know.
(goes over to end, summons GeneralManager)
Me: Apparently, the PowerAde isn't working.
GM: Isn't working?!
Me: Uh, yeah.
GM: What, is it not giving people energy?
Me: Uh, no, it's--hey!
GM: *laughs*

So GM, as always, made me laugh. And is a freak. But he's cool. I couldn't ask for a better GM.

Afterwards, there was HYC and a concert. The concert went as well as could be expected, I suppose, for just one retreat and one rehearsal. Then I went home, and then I go to go to dinner with Dad.

That was the best part of the evening, really. Dad and I don't get much time together, esp. now with school. It was a lot of fun, we talked about swimming and school and drama and didn't argue once.

The bad part of the night was that I slammed my left ring finger in the car door. And it's nasty, nasty enough that Maman and Dad think I'll lose my fingernail.

Dad lost the same fingernail about 25 years ago (ooh! family curse!); around the time Maman and he got married. He used to joke that when Maman put the ring on his finger, his fingernail fell off. Which is simply hysterical, knowing my parents.

But it throbs and aches. But I got this cool blue band-aid.

It also bled up the wazoo, or, like, Dad said, "like a stuck pig." Seriously. It was dripping down my finger and all that.

Anyway, so now I'm off to do homework. Later.

Yay! It's still raining! 24+ hours straight!

quote of the post: "a woman's beauty is a treasure beyone price." --balzac and the little chinese seamstress, by dai sijie (excellent book, I recommend it)

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (huh?)
Two pages. French Revolution. No food for five hours. 25 minutes.

Yes, I wrote an essay in 25 minutes. A mildly decent essay, too, though it could have been fleshed out more, I guess. *sigh* Definitely not my best, but I know' I've written worse essays.

And I just took a hot shower. One of those ones where the water is so hot it's almost uncomfortable and you turn off the faucet when you're a pile of goo on the floor. Three days of school has never taken this much out of me. Bedtime will be early tonight.

If school is gonna be like this for the rest of the year, then I'll hate it. I hope it'll slow down a little.

On the plus side, my Advanced Comtemporary Lit teacher informed me that I was "the only voice in this class." I was little confused, but, really, it's a very nice compliment. I was pretty happy. It really made me bunker down and finish that bloody essay--he came up to me as I was furiously typing and muttering in Latin.

Anywho. School. Sucks.

It's time for bed.

quote (conversation) of the post:
cooler: "you see, i have cavemen blood in me. i can speak cavemen, you know. most people can't, but i can."
pickle: "...wouldn't surprise me."

nebulia out.


Aug. 24th, 2006 05:48 am
nebulia: a nebula (naked sano)
I don't even like baked potatoes. What the hell?

quote (conversation) of the post:

Boy A: The vocative case can also be used for things.
Boy B: Oh? Like, "Shut up, tree!" --Latin class

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (too cute for you)
The girl puppy is Molly. So now we have Molly, Toby, and Mape. Yay!

Molly's less onery than Toby, and very, very sweet. They're so cute! I'm in love. Mape is being a very good older brother, though he's definitely out of his shell. Mape's a wimp; we've had him for three years and he's never barked. Until yesterday. And he's growled, which he's never done either. It's pretty funny, actually. But he's taking care of them, and helping train them, a little, because he knows Da Rules.

Swimming went well. I did okay in the 100 and 50 breast, for the beginning of the season. The 100 fly was a joke, of course, but I still managed under two minutes, so it was okay. And anyway, I didn't really try on it (*shame on nebulia*). So yeah. I'm flipping sore though, just like I knew I would be. *sigh*

First day of school tomorrow. Gah. Not excited, But Dad and I went shopping this afternoon and got 500 bucks worth of clothes at Torrid. I havedn't had new clothes in a year. Yay! But school starts tomorrow. Fuck.

quote (read: conversation) of the post:
Frenchie: Hey, guys.
Me: What?
Not2Twin: What?
F: Guess what?
M and N2T: What?
F: School starts in *looks at clock* 5...4...3...2...fourteen hours!
Me: Shut up or I'll go get my duct tape.
N2T: Can I help?
*five minutes later*
F: School starts in thirteen hours and 55 minutes!
Me: Say that one more time and I'll strangle you.
N2T: Don't kill her. I want to do that.
F: *singsong voice* School starts in thirteen hours and 55 minutes!
Me: AAAAHHHH! *attacks*
N2T: Grrrrr! *attacks*
F:'re fun to bait.

--Frenchie, Not2Twin, and me this afternoon at time trials.

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (naked sano)
Work was okay today. both CoolManager and OtherManager decided that I was the be the Blame of All Things Wrong at The Deli, as I am so 'angry' and 'verbal (not).' CM and I also had one of the weirdest conversations I've had at work yet:

So, we had two orders finish up at once, both ones that needed running. And CM said: Okay, you do this run and I'll take the next.

Me: *get silverware* Okay.

PEBuddy's Older sister (who was working the register and very, very bored): I'll take it.

Me: *hands her tray* Okay. *turns to CM*

CM: Wow, you sure are fast! Super speed! Vroosh! (Note: this is why CoolManager is so cool. He says "Vroosh!" aloud.)

Me: *small smile* Yep, you know me, I have godlike speed.

CM: Godlike speed? Nice.

Me *thinking*: Kenshin has godlike speed! Ha! and CM doesn't know who the hell Kenshin is or where that reference is from! Ha! But then he doesn't get it...oh, well. I won't tell him.

Me *aloud*: Of course it is. That's why I have it.

CM: True. Why have human speed when you can be godlike?

Me: Precisely.

So. I made a Kenshin crack. And no one got it except me. But CM still thought the comment was funny, so I guess it was okay. And it made me laugh, so there.

quote of the post: "mayonnaise." --sanzo, saiyuki, volume 9

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (boring)
...and these are the kind of conversations ClassicBritLitLover and I have all the time.

Discussion with CBLL about this new movie... )

quote of the post: "monster bird kick of [insert emotion here]!" originally makimachi misao of rurouni kenshin; the [insert emotion here] was totally MBF, though.

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (sod off)
My father is a bastard.

Today he said, while we were shopping for furniture and Dad and I (who are similar and both have very sharp tempers) clashed, and then Maman said, "Be nice," Dad said, "She doesn't have the capability to be nice."

Maman: "We've had a perfectly wonderful few days (work has been really busy for Dad so we haven't seen him much)."
Dad: "You've been doing what she wants to do. Of course she's nice."
Me: ...*holds back tears*

It's not the first time Dad's said such callous things about me, while in my presence, to my mother. It probably won't be the last. But each time, it just hurts more. It's just...I don't really care if someone tells me something like that, unless it's someone I care for, a friend, or someone who I respect and love, like my father.

I mean, he's my father. We used to be really, really close and now things have changed, and in general, he's a lot more harsh. I used to hate it when Maman and Dad got romantic, but I don't think they've even kissed since Maman left for Michigan, three and a half weeks ago, and that was on the cheek, and that bothers me because they used to be very romantic. It's just...Dad's a bit controlling and Maman's really the one working to keep Dad here and not walking out. It'd be nice to know they still cared for each other, that people actually do care for each other even after spending 25 years together. I want one of those loving relationships...but sometimes I wonder if they exist.

But my father...he...I dunno. He's just...not like he used to be, and I miss him. We used to have a very lighthearted family dynamic. Even our fights were short, and we always teased each other and stuff, but now...we were in the car tonight, and it was just awkward silence. Even though we were listening to the oldies.

Maman and I get along better than ever right now, so it's not her. It's Dad, and that bothers me. I miss my father. Where did he go?

That sucks.

And this has got to be the most depressing post ever. Shucks.

I need to lighten up.

quote of the post: "well, i thought about the army/ dad said, "son, you're fucking high" --ben folds five, "army"

nebulia out.
nebulia: a nebula (shock!)
Well, Pretear was amazingly cute and fluffy. And Hayate is hot. I am in love.

Next on my list of things to mention: I am now writing KK stuff for the [ profile] 101_kisses community here. w00t. That's a lot of themes...and I may have to get another couple as well, possibly original if they allow it--either Calix and Beast (from Dark Roses) or Carrion and Ariadne (from horrors). If they don't allow it, I'll do it on my own. I'm leaning towards Carrion and Ariadne, as I've a) written lime for them, as opposed to Calix and Beast, who have yet to kiss in any draft, and b) They have such a dark relationship...ooh! It's so much fun to write. horrors is entirely dark...I have to work to keep comedy out of it.

Next, I will rant. About Inuyasha. Actually, LCA and I will rant about Inuyahsa. We are not big IY fans. Not at all. We think it's too long, it brainwashes, etc. If you think otherwise, don't click the cut.

Inyuasha rants... )

So that's that.

I worked yesterday...for five hours straight, which I'd never done before. Oy, tiring. But it was the lunch rush, thus, it was busy, so I wasn't really bored. I work the lunch rush today as well, but only for three hours instead of five. w00t. And due to RAGBRAI and other stuff going on this week, it's still busy, but not as busy as usual, which is kay, as the end is still pretty new to me. But I'm getting better, w00t.

Anyway. I also babysat Tuesday night, four kids (two from each family), and both moms paid me wight dollars an hour. That's 64 dollars for a night. I was happy. :D.

Anything else? Not really. My room's coming along--my bed is in the garage now, so I guess it's going somewhere, finally.

quote of the post: "follow the spiders?! why couldn't we follow the butterflies?" --rom weasley in the movie (which sucks but this line really is hysterical) harry potter and the chamber of secrets

nebulia out.

March 2012

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